Expert explains red flags of a one-sided
Counsellor Georgina Sturmer and psychologist Michelle Minnikin identify signs a friendship has become transactional and offer advice on restoring balance.
A counsellor and a psychologist have outlined the warning signs that a friendship has become one-sided and transactional, moving away from a healthy, reciprocal dynamic. They advise tuning into feelings of resentment as a key signal and suggest practical steps to rebalance the relationship.
Spotting the shift from reciprocal to transactional
Georgina Sturmer, a counsellor specialising in relationships, explains that while friendships naturally ebb and flow, a lasting imbalance indicates a problem. She describes the ideal as a reciprocal equilibrium, where support flows both ways over time. When that balance is lost, the intangible 'friendship energy' is replaced by a dynamic that feels more like providing a paid service. This can manifest as always being the one to give lifts, rearrange plans, or provide help, with little offered in return.
Psychologist Michelle Minnikin adds that societal conditioning, particularly for women, can blur these red flags. "We, and women in particular, are trained from birth to be helpful and kind and this means our self-worth can become tied up in how useful we are," she says. This ingrained mindset can cause people to ignore early intuition that they are being taken advantage of.
Listening to your emotions as signals
The experts emphasise that personal feelings are critical diagnostic tools. "As soon as resentment pops up then that is a red flag," Minnikin states. She describes emotions as signals that boundaries are being compromised. Sturmer advises a simple gut check: "How do you feel when you think about that person? How do you feel when the phone rings and you see their name flash up?" A sense of dread or an internal 'here we go again' is a telling sign about the current state of the friendship.
Sturmer also offers a counter-perspective, suggesting the issue might sometimes lie with the person who feels used. She proposes that friends might be willing to offer support in return but are never given the opportunity, as the 'giver' habitually takes on all the helping roles.
Testing the dynamic and setting boundaries
Instead of immediately ending the friendship, Minnikin recommends treating concerns as a hypothesis to be tested. "Become curious about the friendship and ask for a little favour, just a small request for help or support," she advises. The response provides data: a 'yes' indicates willingness for reciprocity, while a 'no' or avoidance supports the idea of a one-sided dynamic.
Both experts stress the importance of establishing clear boundaries. "We teach other people how to treat us," Minnikin notes, explaining that a lack of boundaries invites others to take advantage. Sturmer describes these as "healthy, grown-up, adult boundaries" and encourages honest, open communication about the friendship dynamic, even if the conversation feels awkward. She points out that if you already feel used or unable to say no, you are already uncomfortable, so addressing the issue directly is a logical step. The article's author found that after becoming more mindful and holding better boundaries, favour requests slowed and the friendship returned to a more enjoyable, balanced state.
