Anna Mathur: Female rage signals stress

Psychotherapist Anna Mathur says female rage is a stress signal, not a character flaw. It indicates an overloaded nervous system, often stemming from unmet needs in a demanding world, she explains in her new book How To Stop Snapping at the People You Love (As Well as the Ones You Don’t).

Mathur argues that anger itself is a healthy emotion. It shows boundaries have been crossed or an injustice has occurred. The problem, she says, is that society teaches women anger is not ladylike. This stigma can turn healthy anger into shame-filled rage.

Rage often erupts with loved ones. Mathur describes this as the "shaken Coke bottle effect." People may control themselves in public roles, only to explode in the safety of home. This daily irritability chips away at relationship connections.

Why rage happens

Modern life exacerbates the problem. Mathur points to constant demands and a culture that devalues rest. Many women, she says, have learned that to be female and to love well is to sacrifice their own needs. There are also no boundaries around work and admin, creating a constant demand on the nervous system.

Biological factors like hormones or neurodiversity can also be involved. Mathur warns against gaslighting oneself into thinking constant stress is just how life is. She shares that going on HRT at age 40 softened her own increasing sensory sensitivity linked to perimenopause.

How to manage outbursts

Trying to suppress rage does not work. Mathur suggests acting as a circuit breaker instead. This could mean doing star jumps to metabolise stress hormones or simply stepping out of the room. She advises creating a household culture where one can name the feeling without blame.

For example, she might tell her children she is hormonal or tired and needs five minutes alone to avoid shouting. This models taking responsibility, something many did not see from their own parents, Mathur notes.

Dealing with the aftermath

Even with strategies, snapping will happen. The key is to avoid a spiral of self-loathing. Shame tells us "I'm the problem," Mathur states. Instead of pledging to try harder, she recommends asking what you were carrying into that moment.

Consider hormones, hunger, thirst, and the last time you rested or connected with a friend. The answer is often no, Mathur observes. It is then very expected to fly off the handle. We extend this understanding to children but blame ourselves.

By tending to our own needs, we build more capacity to respond in ways that align with our values. Stressful situations will still cause collateral damage. That is part of being human. The more compassion we find for ourselves, Mathur concludes, the gentler we can be with others.