Five Relationship Myths Debunked

The Gottman Institute has spent 50 years studying relationships and has found that some common myths about love and relationships refuse to disappear.

The institute, founded by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, has been exploring these myths as part of its 30th anniversary celebration.

The Myths

The Gottman Institute has identified five relationship myths that continue to be perpetuated despite the evidence to the contrary.

Myth #1: Happy Couples Don't Fight

The first myth is that happy couples never fight. However, the Gottman Institute has found that conflict is a natural part of every relationship. The key is not whether couples fight, but how they treat each other when they do.

The Gottman Institute calls this "fight right," where couples disagree without using contempt, criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling. They make repairs, accept responsibility, and work to understand each other, even when they disagree.

Myth #2: Never Go to Bed Angry

The second myth is that couples should never go to bed angry. However, the Gottman Institute has found that this can actually hurt more than help in some cases.

When conflict becomes intense, one or both partners can become flooded. This is when your heart rate rises, your body enters fight or flight mode, and it becomes increasingly difficult to listen, empathize, and think clearly.

The Gottman Institute recommends saying, "I want to work through this with you, but I'm too overwhelmed. Can we take a break and continue this conversation tomorrow?"

Myth #3: You Have to Solve Every Disagreement

The third myth is that couples must solve every disagreement. However, the Gottman Institute has found that not every disagreement has a final resolution.

The Gottman Institute recommends managing perpetual problems without getting gridlocked. They suggest considering an area of conflict where you and your partner are stuck in perpetual gridlock and drawing two ovals, one within the other.

Myth #4: You Can't Plan Great Sex

The fourth myth is that couples can't plan great sex. However, the Gottman Institute has found that planning sex doesn't actually make it less meaningful.

The Gottman Institute recommends setting time aside for intimacy and making it a priority. They suggest that everyday moments, such as paying attention to your partner's needs and turning toward them in meaningful ways, are what sustain love.

Myth #5: Grand Gestures Matter Most

The fifth myth is that grand gestures are what matter most in relationships. However, the Gottman Institute has found that it's the everyday moments that sustain love.

The Gottman Institute recommends prioritizing the relationship and minimizing distractions, such as technology and social media. They suggest that acknowledging and apologizing for missed bids can also help to build connection.

The Gottman Institute's research has shown that lasting love isn't found in perfection. It's built in how we respond to each other, especially when things don't go as planned. In the repairs we make, the curiosity we bring to our differences, and the small moments when we choose to turn toward each other again.

The institute's research has also shown that couples can increase small things often in their relationship by paying attention to their partner's needs, seeing their bids as an opportunity to connect, turning toward them in meaningful ways, and prioritizing the relationship.