Sexologist Warns Against Using Sexual Frequency
Sex and relationship experts argue that focusing on how often couples have sex is misguided, emphasizing that quality, communication, and mutual
Sexologist Sofie Roos says the biggest mistake couples make is viewing average sexual frequency statistics as a personal goal. Research cannot prescribe how often any specific couple should be intimate, according to experts cited by Psychologies magazine.
The Problem with Averages
Sexual frequency data reveals patterns across populations, such as younger people tending to have sex more often. Factors like stress, pregnancy, and mental wellbeing also affect activity. Dr. Deepali Misra-Sharp, a menopause doctor, notes this data fails to capture the quality of encounters. "The data tells us how often people say they are having sex, but not whether that sex is enjoyable, wanted, intimate or satisfying," she says.
Roos, a licensed sexologist, stresses that an average describes a group, not an ideal. A couple having sex once a month is not inherently problematic, nor is a couple having sex ten times a month guaranteed a better sex life.
Quality Over Quantity
Two couples can have sex at the same frequency with vastly different experiences. For one, sex might be a source of connection and safety. For the other, it could involve pressure and rejection. "Focus on quality, not quantity," advises Roos. "Sex is about so much more than frequency, it’s about intimacy, communication, pleasure, emotional safety and the feeling of being wanted and seen."
Dr. Misra-Sharp agrees frequency alone is a poor measure. A couple can have frequent sex while feeling disconnected, while another with less frequent intimacy can be completely satisfied.
The Comparison Trap
People are terrible at judging other couples' sex lives. "Not remotely at all!" says Dr. Misra-Sharp when asked if people are good estimators. Roos says people build imagined pictures from social media and gossip, often overestimating how often others have sex.
This leads to comparing one's own reality with a romanticised version of others' lives. Ironically, couples who seem passionate publicly may not have the most sex, while seemingly unremarkable couples may have a deeply satisfying private intimacy.
Asking Better Questions
Roos suggests ditching comparisons for more revealing questions. Start by asking: "Are you actually dissatisfied with your sex life, or are you just worried because you feel that you should be worried?"
Then, couples should consider if either partner wants more sex, feels rejected or pressured, or is missing closeness. "I wish people would ask, 'Does my sex life work for me and my overall life situation?'" says Roos. For partners, she adds: "Are we happy with how our sex life works, and if not, can we talk about it without blaming each other?"
There is no medically proven target number. Roos concludes that the right frequency is the one that works for the specific individuals involved.
