Carers find intimacy by relinquishing
A couple in their fifties, both with full-time caring responsibilities, describe how scheduled weekly sex and a deliberate surrender of control helps them
Betsy, 55, and Felix, 58, maintain a sexual relationship by having sex once a week on a set day. Both are full-time carers, which dictates the strict schedule of their intimacy, according to their joint account published in The Guardian.
The structure of caring and connection
They live in separate suburbs and see each other three fixed evenings a week. The first hour of each meeting is dedicated to a 'shared trauma dump' where they discuss the sad feelings from their caring roles. Betsy cares for her adult son with disabilities, while Felix is the full-time carer for his elderly mother. Their sole opportunity for sex is the one day each week when Felix is at Betsy's home and her son is with his father.
Felix says this scheduled intimacy works best because it allows them to be completely alone, freeing mental space to be together. He notes that in their separate lives, they both must be constantly responsible and make decisions. In their sex life, they deliberately relinquish control to one another.
Building trust and dissolving boundaries
The couple met at a house party three years ago. After a gentle kiss on the cheek from Felix, Betsy spent a 10-day trip thinking about it. They texted extensively during that time. Felix confided that he had been secretly creating a science fiction pornographic comic strip for six years, set in a fantasy universe where women dominate men. He told reporters that Betsy seemed genuinely interested in what excited him, making him feel safe to share it for the first time.
Betsy describes herself as previously cynical about sex, viewing it as an itch to scratch. She says intimacy did not come naturally to her and she used to kick men out of bed after sexual encounters. With Felix, she says it was different from the start. Their first sexual encounter was slow, intimate, and caring. 'He really dissolved my boundaries,' she said.
Handling mismatched desire
Felix tends to initiate sex more often because menopause has dampened Betsy's sex drive over the last year. Betsy says she worries about him feeling rejected. She notes his 'love language is touch' and so she holds his balls as they go to sleep to comfort him.
Felix acknowledges the mismatch in their libidos. He tries to spend more time on slow foreplay to help get Betsy in the mood. He adds that even if they do not have sex, kissing, cuddling, or holding hands helps him feel less rejected by the difference in their drives.
The value of stolen moments
Felix recalls that some of his favourite times were when fooling around on the sofa evolved into something more. He says those spontaneous moments are harder to come by now due to their caring responsibilities, which he finds a little sad. Betsy, who is not naturally cuddly, lets Felix stay over, which makes him feel special. He thinks of their time together as very important and never enough. Betsy describes him as a gentle part of her life she can cosy into, and he calls her by the affectionate nickname 'Lil Betzy'.
