Therapist explains when to end a marriage

A therapist sometimes advises couples to end their marriage. Nicholas Purcell writes that while some marriages can be repaired, others require a deliberate end for safety and health.

He describes three distinct patterns he observes in struggling couples. The first is the neglected 'cactus marriage', which survives despite a lack of care and attention.

When neglect becomes the norm

These relationships, like Jess and Pete's, continue after raising kids and maintaining jobs. Neglect takes longer to kill a marriage than a garden. Sometimes, remembering how to be loving allows these marriages to thrive and even flower unexpectedly. Understanding the psychology of cheating in relationships can sometimes reveal similar patterns of emotional distance.

The repairable sour soil

The second pattern is the 'sour soil' marriage, exemplified by Diane and Thomas who fought for over 30 years. Their interactions became a script of raised voices, grammar corrections, and personal attacks. This represents a mechanical failure where contempt is the default and the repair cycle of small apologies has broken down.

Purcell fights for these marriages because they are often repairable if both partners are committed. The people in them would feel lost, not relieved, if the other left. However, the window for repair does not stay open forever. Learning how to rebuild a relationship after infidelity shares principles with repairing this sour dynamic.

The severed root and the need to leave

The third and most serious pattern is the 'severed root' marriage. This involves one partner clinicians might label a narcissist, abuser, or controller. The relationship depends on one person not fully having a self. An ordinary-looking couple, Michael and Liz, exemplified this. It began with his need to know where she was and escalated to tracking devices and physical violence.

Purcell states this is not a relationship with a problem. The relationship is the problem. Its continuation requires one person's diminishment and harm. Couples therapy is the wrong tool here, as framing it as 'our relationship issues' launders the harm. The cost of staying is paid in instalments of health and a diminishing self. Children in these marriages absorb lessons about how partners are allowed to treat each other.

Purcell says plainly that some relationships must be left. He cautions that the time around leaving is often when a dangerous partner is most volatile, necessitating a safety plan and support from domestic violence services. Liz left Michael, survived, and he repartnered. The therapist's final point is simple. Sometimes he advises couples to end their marriage.