Understanding the Roots of Infidelity: How Childhood Experiences Can Contribute to Affairs

The reasons behind infidelity are complex and multifaceted. While some people may view those who have affairs as simply 'bad' people, the reality is that there are often deeper emotional wounds at play. According to a psychotherapist, understanding these childhood experiences can be key to healing and growth after an affair.

## The Impact of Childhood on Adult Relationships Research has shown that early life experiences can affect almost every aspect of our lives, including our relationships. A psychotherapist notes that the environment in which we grew up can influence how likely we are to cheat in adulthood. This is because our early experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us.

For example, adverse childhood experiences can lead a person to believe that they don't deserve love or that they're defective. This can make them more vulnerable to seeking validation and emotional safety in unhealthy ways, such as through an affair. Similarly, parents who are physically or emotionally distant can affect how a person treats emotional bonds as an adult.

## What Drives People to Have Affairs? A survey by the extramarital dating app Ashley Madison found that 29% of people who had affairs said they did it because they wanted more attention and affection, while 20% said they did it to boost their self-esteem. These urges can often stem from deep emotional wounds sustained in childhood.

A psychotherapist notes that common themes from childhood that can contribute to infidelity include emotional distance, divorce, abandonment, and death. When a parent isn't emotionally available to a child, that child may carry painful feelings of longing that must be suppressed as a matter of survival. This can lead to self-blame and negative self-beliefs that become their truth.

## The Role of Fantasy and Escapism in Affairs Affairs are often based in fantasy and escapism, allowing people to believe they are finding fulfillment of their unmet needs. However, this fantasy can eventually come into contact with reality, leading to pain and regret. A psychotherapist believes that understanding and acknowledging childhood triggers is key to preventing the repetition of unhealthy patterns.

The following table shows the reasons why people have affairs, according to the Ashley Madison survey: | Reason | Percentage | | --- | --- | | Wanted more attention and affection | 29% | | Wanted to boost self-esteem | 20% |

## Healing and Growth After an Affair Healing from an affair requires more than just understanding the childhood experiences that contributed to it. It also requires processing the pain emotionally and somatically. A psychotherapist notes that individual healing is independent of whether or not the relationship survives, and that part of healing is redesigning one's relationship with themselves.

This involves understanding the unhealthy patterns that have been lived in and recognizing that what was believed to be self-sabotage is, in fact, self-protection. By synthesizing their affair and personal history, people can find meaning and growth, and stop repeating unhealthy patterns in future relationships.