Why Embracing Being Wrong Helps Relationships
A psychotherapist explains that fear of being wrong is a biological threat response, often rooted in childhood, which can hold people back from intimacy
Fear of making mistakes can paralyze personal growth and stifle relationships. Embracing the possibility of being incorrect is a liberating skill that fosters authenticity and courage.
Writer Kate Townshend explores her own tendency to anticipate negative outcomes, from holiday weather to major life decisions. She notes that her assumptions about how bad events would be were often mistaken, and that sometimes being in error led to positive surprises, like finding joy in motherhood despite earlier fears.
The Biology of Fear
Psychotherapist Tina Chummun, a person-centred trauma specialist, states that the brain often treats being wrong as a direct threat. From a neurobiological perspective, being incorrect activates the same threat detection systems as physical danger, she explains. For people with trauma or perfectionist tendencies, mistakes can trigger intense fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.
This fear is frequently learned in childhood. Chummun says parents can unintentionally teach children that being wrong means they are unsafe, unloved, or inadequate. She argues that perfectionism is less about high standards and more about managing this deep-seated terror.
The Cost of the Comfort Zone
Hannah Blackburn, a somatic coach, observes that fear of failure keeps people stuck. When we're afraid of getting things wrong, we hold ourselves back and stay in our comfort zone, she says. People may feel unsatisfied but remain paralyzed by the potential consequences of trying and failing.
This resonates with the author's experience of staying silent in groups due to a fear of public speaking, even when wanting to contribute. Blackburn suggests reframing failure as a necessary step toward desired goals. Taking action, regardless of the outcome, builds self-trust and confidence by aligning behavior with personal truth.
Building Wrongness Tolerance
The experts agree the goal is not to seek out errors but to develop resilience. The goal isn't to be wrong more often, but to develop what I call 'wrongness tolerance', explains Chummun. She says this often requires healing old wounds related to acceptance and self-worth.
Chummun has seen clients transform their lives by discovering they were mistaken about their own limitations. They found they were not too damaged for love, too old for a new career, or too broken to heal. This kind of error can be profoundly liberating.
Blackburn adds that the process is character-building. It requires courage and the willingness to learn from mistakes, she says. The act of trying, even with a muddled outcome, is itself a form of success that reinforces authenticity.
Chummun offers a crucial caveat, noting that the stakes of being wrong are not equal for everyone. For individuals from marginalised backgrounds, being incorrect can feel exponentially more dangerous because it may confirm negative stereotypes or jeopardise hard-won opportunities. This adds complex layers to risk-taking that privileged individuals may not fully consider.
For the author, the lesson is clear. Risking being wrong is an act of moral courage that involves active participation in life rather than safe passivity. The alternative is never taking a stand or pursuing genuine connection. Embracing fallibility, like an inaccurate weather forecast, is a step toward a more engaged and authentic life.
